Conrad Explains The Economy
by Conrad; Wednesday, October 6 2004

Man, no one understands the economy.  So let me clear it up for you.

The economy is a bunch of people buying and selling crap.


Yep, that's it.


For instance, some people like cheeseburgers. If you get a lot of people that say they want cheeseburgers, then some dude (we’ll call him Rosco) will go, “Hey, if I make and sell cheeseburgers I can sell it to these people and make me some money.” 


The customers give their money to the Rosco and he takes the money and says, “Hey, I can make more money if I sell more cheeseburgers.”  So he hires more people to make cheeseburgers.  Whoa, that’s called “Job Creation.”  So he hires two dudes named Cletus and Cooter.


The cheeseburger dude just made the economy bigger.  Now Cletus and Cooter have money to spend.  Now since Cletus and Cooter are distinguished gentlemen they go out and buy stuff they want like fake doggie doo.  Now since the makers of fake doggie doo (Just Like Real Doggie Doo, Inc.) are selling more, they’d like to hire more people to make doggie doo.  They hire Enus and Missy-Sue in the creation of this wonderful product. 


Like what I said, a job created when people spend money on crap. 


But wait, there’s the government.  They take money from Rosco before he can spend it.  So if they take enough from Rosco, he can’t even start his cheeseburger business.  He can’t hire fine citizens like Cletus and Cooter.  And Cletus and Cooter are unemployed and can’t afford the all-important fake doggie doo, and Just Like Real Doggie Doo, Inc. won’t hire Enus and Missy-Sue. 


Or maybe after taxes, Rosco only has enough money to hire Cletus but not Cooter.  Cletus is actually a little brighter than Cooter.  Cooter got his face stuck in a pickle jar last week.  The less money Rosco has, the less business he can do, the less he can sell, the less money he has, the less jobs he can create. 


So the less money people have the worse off the economy is. 


The more the government taxes, the less money people have to spend and therefore...


(dramatic music swells)...


the worse the economy is




So the government can’t create real jobs that actually make crap.  It only steals jobs from the economy in the form of taxes.  So watch to see if any of the politicians make that blunder by saying we need to raise taxes to help the economy.  That’s like saying to help our basketball team we have to have less players on the floor.


If job creation could be increased by a system of heavily taxing people and having government take over the economy, then the communists (socialists) would have the best economy around.  But that was a catastrophic failure (like Pepsi Blue).  Socialism doesn’t work because people have less money to spend on crap. 


And while we’re on it lets clear up this myth -- that by lowering taxes, the government will get less money.  That would be true if people took the money they saved from the lower taxes and burned it (Cooter might do that, but not Cletus).  People will take that money and spend it on crap.  Because of that, companies hire more people (like Cletus and Cooter) to meet the demand of people buying more crap.  Then the government can tax these new workers (Cletus and Cooter) who didn’t get taxed before.  And hey, more taxes for the government.  So lowering taxes helps the economy so ultimately the government has more people to tax. 


It’s so simple.  The economy is: people spending money on crap.  The more money they can spend the better the economy.  The less money, the worse the economy. 


Now let’s all go help the economy by buying fake doggie doo.  I already bought mine – and that ain’t no lie.  Just ask Cooter.


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