Sky Captain and the World of Boring
by Conrad; Wednesday, September 29 2004

So I’ve been pretty psyched about Sky Captain.  The trailers looked amazing with giant robots and this whole retro sci-fi world.  This feel really worked well for Iron Giant, which is one of the greatest animated films of all time (I command you to rent it).


But man, this movie was so under whelming.  After you get over how cool the movie looks you get into the story and the characters.  And boy, you’re just kinda like, ‘BO-RING!’.  What follows is a bunch of spoilers; so if you’re going to see the movie, avert your gaze. 


So giant robots come into some city attacking everything.  This is just cool.  Sky Captain is this dude who apparently just flies around until there’s danger.  He gets a call and comes into fight the giant robots.  This first scene starts the movie off right – big fight scene against giant robots.  He goes in and does some cool stuff.  He takes down a robot around the time when they get what they’re looking for and they take off anyway.  From here on out, the movie just nosedives it totally changes. 


Now the movie turns into a Indiana Jones wanna-be.  But it’s no Indiana Jones, it’s not even League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.  Like you got big robots, you could just have him fighting big robots for the rest of the movie and it’d be cool.  Don’t start off with giant robots and then go off on some who-done-it boring talkfest. 


Because of this, you don’t really know who the bad guy is for the movie.  You just hear his name.  Could you imagine how Star Wars would have been if you didn’t see Darth Vader in the opening sequence and you only heard his name? 


In this movie, I guess we’re supposed to be so intrigued on whom the mysterious “Totenkopf” is and how you spell his name that it’s supposed to keep us interested till the end.  And at the end when you actually do find out who Totenkopf is, you’re like, “Uh, okay.”  Let’s see if they can come out with action figures of a 20-year-old corpse.  Moms will love to buy that for their kids.


And what do the writers think is a dramatic climactic battle?  The dude cutting some wires.  How dramatic is that?  It’s almost as good as the trench run on the Death Star!  “Look, there’s some wires.  Get out your pocketknife and cut some of them.   Yay, we win.”   


So let us rewrite the movie, shall we? 


Totenkoff is this really whacked out super-villain.  He wears a black iron crown with huge antlers, has a curly mustache, a huge scar across his face with a glass eye that’s a picture of something evil like an ill-tempered badger.   He commands his army of giant robots collecting items from the world for his doomsday device.  The first scene is kind of like what they had in the movie, but the bad guy would be introduced.  He’d be all like laughing, twisting his mustache and saying things like, “Ready my atomic-heat-laser” and, “My plan is working deliciously.” 


Sky Captain shows up with other ships, Dex being one of the other plane guys, instead of some useless “Q” character, and they start blasting away at the robots.  Their squadron takes so much damage that they have to retreat. 


Sky Captain now needs to find out where Totencough is so he enlists the help of annoying Polly Perkins.  Instead of being a newspaper reporter, she’s a private detective with a eye-patch who carries Tommy-guns in a violin case.  Also, they get the help of Angelina Jolie, who is in the rest of the movie rather than just five minutes.


Because Totencoff decides that Sky Captain and his mercenaries are the only ones who can stand in his way, he sends man-sized robots after him so we can actually have a real fight against guys in robot suits and not versus some computer graphics.  They have to fight a lot.  The scene will be totally cool. 


So now they have to stay on the run.  Not like the actual movie how they just kind of did whatever and a really slow pace. 


They have some more adventures in the middle of the movie.  There’s lots of fighting and funny parts. 


Later in the movie, Totencough has completed his doomsday device and has started blowing up cities.  But boring cities no one cares about, like Des Moines, just to show the world he means business.  Then he plans on blowing up Washington DC so he can become supreme overlord of the world.


Sky Captain and his whole crew fly to Totencouph’s secret flying headquarters and have a super-awesome battle.  When it looks like they’re going to win Totenkough gets in his ultra-cool giant flying robot and shoots everyone out of the sky except Sky Captain.  They have this big huge awesome fight.  And just when Totenkophf is about to kill Sky Captain, Sky Captain uses his cool last resort super weapon that they just built.  It stalls out, then he hits it really cool like Fonzie, and then it shoots, blasting right through the chest of the giant robot.  The head falls into the ocean and sinks into deep, so we don’t know the fate of Totencouffgh. 


Sky Captain and his friends are given lots of gold in really big wooden treasure chests and lots of confetti falls on everyone.  The End.


Man, that movie would be hot.   


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